Personal // Passing the covid19 in the countryside

April 02, 2020

Personal // Passing the covid19 in the countryside - Skåne, Sweden. /video/

Passing the covid19 in the countryside - Skåne, Sweden.

My comments? Well, I have a lot to say and at the same time nothing. Divided opinions, understanding all opinions from all possible perspectives. Many theories of how we should do and what's the best, and so on. And stupid or angry, or reasonable or out of order comments on governments, on fellow Facebook users, on nationalities, etc.

At the end of online discussions, the answer is to slow down, be more at home or self-isolate if you can, or accept that you need a quarantine period. Find a no physical way how you can help your elderly parents, grandparents, neighbours and strangers or anyone else who is in a risk group, but stay out of physical touch. Respect one another, each others opinion. Understand that some people are panicking, some not, but we all are together in this and we all need to find a way to deal with the situation the best we can do.

One good thing is that - nature is not forbidden. This is not a bad apocalypse movie when the virus travels with wind or we don't need blindfolds to go out, or anything that really forbidden us to touch a tree, harvest edible forest food or enjoy a sunny walk in a forest. The only problem with nature is that we all need to somehow find not crowded areas, keep a distance from others out, and be respectful to nature and other people.

Luckily, we live in Skåne, and we have loads of hiking trails, many small and big parks, and wide-open spaces, forests, lakes, meadows, fields, coastline, etc. We still can enjoy nature at this uncertain time, but to reasonable rules too.

SKÅNELEDEN hiking trails

Visit Skåne

This is my captured atmosphere on how am I dealing with uncertainty in the air. We all have a story about how this affects us...

How are you? I am okay, but I wasn't.

I took this time to enjoy being alone after long several months not having my own private space and time. I am so thankful for all the support I have had since the day when someone I loved through his darkness, decided to hurt me. For a very long time, I felt I am unworthy of love and unworthy of all the kindness and support I received from friends. I didn't know how locked up I was in my life before because of... trying to create a relationship with a narcissist as an empath.

This winter I spent hours on Youtube and online literature platforms studying and understanding this evil dance of overly emotional spirit with the opposite. Understanding my nature, my spirit my heart and mind and soul - why I chose this situation. It was hurtful knowing I had chances to leave this situation, but it's in my nature to believe in the good in people until the last minute. I might even find the good side in the worst criminal. I always had excuses for his bad behaviour. It's my terrible personality trait, and that's how I suffer. Attracting the people opposite my inner spirit. A dance with a narcissist and his narcissistic ex-girlfriend. I had never met in my life so, so, so... Dark, mean, empty people. Mind it, I have travelled and explored, and moved around, and made many friends and met many strangers in my lifetime, some good some bad, I have experienced many betrayals and let downs by my expectations and perfection, but nothing like this... Seeing the eyes of people with no moral compass. Hearing brutal lies said while looking into my eyes. If I want to white-lie I even then can't look into eyes. It's brutal how one can do it.

It has been a turmoil. A roller coast of emotions, for an empath to understand "how can people deliberately hurt other's?" - is difficult. When all I do - thinking how can I do better, how can I be a good person, how can I help, be there for someone, how can I improve something? How to BE A GOOD PERSON? HOW TO NOT INDULGE IN THE SWEET, OH, SWEET DARKNESS OF LUST AND GREED. We all are triggered in a lifetime to go to one or other side, and learn to fight with our inner demons while not killing the inner child.

We all have it, and it's sad to see when a beautiful soul is damaged by a weak personality.

I felt unworthy. It affected my mindset on everything.

How can I be hurt because of loving someone? How can I be hurt because I had good intentions? I have a good-heart? I gave everything to prove I won't hurt.

Those last words went over and over in my head until I broke down. My mind was in terror. The feeling I might not get out of it was intense.

But I did. Instead of reaching the side of giving up, I reached for help. I spoke out loud about my pain in chest and mind, I spoke honest - my mind hasn't been watering my soul with love, my heart is drying, becoming into hard rock sand. Yet, I felt a guilt that I am in emotional pain. I sat at a doctors office and thought this is embarrassing, that my only pain is my mind is stuck on a wheel of a hamster run. I felt embarrassed that my situation made me feel mentally ill. The fear of being judged was strong. It brought even more anxiety, until when finally speaking the truth that "I am NOT OKAY", I received understanding than a laugh. My feelings before were not acknowledged. He didn't want to hear me. I grow into a fear of speaking about my emotions, when before I was never afraid of admitting I am not okay. This year started with changes, getting treatments I need to feel better, to be able to build a life from scratch again since everything was taken from me.

One of my affirmations of 2019 was to conquer my fear. I didn't think the teacher would look like this. I also was repeating for a while a mantra in the lines something of "...please, keep people in my life who truly loves me, wishes me good and has good intentions towards me. Everyone else who wants to hurt me, has bad intentions, please, let them go, let them leave my life with no trace". It happened. Yet, I couldn't imagine that the closest person to me is one of them. You can't always choose your teacher. But you can choose to take the lesson.

And in the last year, one lesson has been happening in front of my eyes: I am worthy. All my life I didn't believe or even know this. My worth was always tied to someone or something else. I didn't seek approval for admiration of something, someone, but I did seek in others a message that I am worthy of. I am learning. I am seeing it now. I don't have to protect my image, I don't have to get validation for my performance or make other people like me prove my worth. I don't even have to give or achieve anything. I'm learning that I'm worthy of love just because I am. Just because I met people who are weak in their personality, has no moral compass and rather reject love because can't surrender themselves with their demons, it is not my fault, it is not my job to accept in my life as a project to prove my self-worth. I need a person besides me as a team, as a partner, not a project.

It took a lot of tears and painful nights and days to get here. These few weeks in the countryside alone was all I needed. Being alone and enjoying it. As an introvert, I was not bored any minute... Sometimes I wished I could get bored, but every day was fulfilled with small adventures and studies, and online working, while also connecting socially online with friends in the evening while I was laying down on the matt by the indoor campfire... Bliss. Yet, it was not only all positive, but there was also one broken day when I felt so happy finally having my own space, my things around not packed in one bag, cooking food what and how I want, getting back to my daily routine and everyday health tricks. And just... being at home... I broke down into tears until I couldn't breathe anymore from pain in the chest, mumbling "we were so close to life like this....so close to being living a calm life by nature in the countryside....so close, but he chose material world...it's not my world...".

Once again, it has been another lesson of forgiveness. This time - to myself. You didn't see how rich life I gave to you.

I will end this with my 2019 post words: I want to see more emotional intelligence in society in 2019, which will grow more into The great 20s of the 21st century.

And it seems that we are getting there, society has been given a hard lesson. Time to value love more than anything. A new reality where love is the most important value. The changes are near, and it seems we collectively will thrive to a better society. While we all are working together with our issues, meanwhile it's as we are all together working shaping the new reality, the new world and society. It will be alright.

Thank you. I hope these little moments of my way of seeing spring arrival will give a little bit some positive vibe during this time.

“Don't waste your time with people who will ultimately destroy you, but concentrate instead on those who will appreciate your responsibility to them, and, likewise, feel responsible to you.”― Anton Szandor LaVey